Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
