You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
