I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
