I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
