i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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