We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
