I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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