i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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