Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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