I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
