Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
