Too much gin, very little bucket
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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