Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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