so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
