she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
no more duck duck goose at the bar
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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