get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
