i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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