I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
