ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
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I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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