We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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