We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
