I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
