Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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