I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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