It was confusing and full of hummus
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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