He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
