I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Randomize
