I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
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He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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