Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
