conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
