his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
