my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Randomize
