Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
