thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
