Have you finally orgasmed yet?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
