There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
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Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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