Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
