i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
