Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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