I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
