Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
