I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
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I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
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These people don't understand my stages of drunk
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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