nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
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