I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
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After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
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Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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