Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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