So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
