like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
