my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
