I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
