3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
