why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
