i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
