I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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