I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
