Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
it glows. i had to have it.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
