I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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