apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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